How to Turn a Long Car Ride into a Great Time

Step one: Mickey cannot be in your car.

I know it may seem funny to experience such absurdity at first. How can one person be so utterly incapable of saying anything productive in a social setting? But believe me, there is a reason why any rookie is allowed to hit him after he opens his mouth (this is an official upa rule, I know because I petitioned for it). Now, you may think that you can get around this step by bringing a muzzle or some sort of other restraining device. I am sorry to say that his mere physical presence is enough to ruin even a two minute car ride.

Step 1a: Walden must be in your car.

As long as Walden is in your car, there exists the possibility to spend the night at his house on the very evening that his neighborhood hosts a block party.

Step Two: Get in a minivan

For a comfortable ride, nothing beats the space that a minivan can provide. Now, I may be biased since I drive one, but few can deny the glorious experience that is having the entire back seat to yourself. The ability to lie down can be the deal breaker in trying to squeeze in those few hours of sleep on a twelve hour drive.

Step Three: Make sure you have a solid music selection

Nothing ruins a car ride like constantly flipping through radio stations, especially when you’re out in the middle of nowhere and your choices are static or static. However, both of these options are better than having to deal with Mickey.

Step Four: Two people in your car must be willing to face off in a Wendy’s challenge (another reason for step 1a)

Eating contests are always fun (except for the people participating). For those who do not know, a Wendy’s Challenge consists of eating ten items off the dollar menu as fast as possible. This step is even better if it involves a cocky rookie (Loski, I hoped you learned your lesson from the apartment crawl, or you’re in for a very painful car ride).

Step Five: Play Botticelli

Rookies, ask a vet about this game. I really don’t want to explain it here. The best time to play is usually after everyone has woken up from their initial nap. Now, some people may disagree with me, but I always think the game is more fun when the person in question may not be a legitimate candidate for the game. Controversy always makes a good story. “Hey, remember that time when you were the Hare from Aesop’s fables?”

Step Six: Boomland Baby! Boomland

Any happenstance that is responsible for the name of a team is worth repeating at every opportunity. Who the hell wouldn’t want a pink, camouflaged hat?