Rip’s Rookie Survival Guide

I know that it may be difficult to fathom, but yours truly was once a rookie. Looking back on this experience, there is much that I would have done differently if only some one had taken the time to offer me some advice. Since I am not one to hold a grudge against my misfortune (unless it involves Wisconsin-Whitewash…err… I mean White Water), I shall impart the wisdom I have gained from the school of hard knocks.

When there’s a call on the field and you’re on the sideline, keep your opinion to yourself. I don’t care if you had best perspective. Your complete lack of ultimate smarts and the fact that you just dropped that easy score two points ago undermines any credibility you would have in that situation. Be the silent observer and learn something. Otherwise you’ll mark yourself as future douchebag of the team. Don’t believe me? Ask anybody on the team about a kid we called Pappy.

Ask questions. As vets, we understand that you know absolutely nothing. We love to answer questions. It makes us feel important. Also, we’re more likely to remember your name.

Develop a forehand. I don’t care how embarrassing it is to be out on the quad and have each throw go two feet and blade into the ground. It’s more embarrassing in cut-tos when you throw number 25 into the ground and the team has to start all over again.

Lay out. I hate watching someone run after a disc and then see it land at their feet. Leave the ground, catch the disc, and be a hero. The feeling is awesome, and you’ll earn the respect of everyone on the team. There’s a reason why we all love Pavan. Plus, chicks dig scars.

When a vet says, “Would some rookie please hit Mickey?” Hit Mickey. Believe me; you want to be that guy.

Follow the Chuck rule. A long time ago, back when we still called him Big Red, Charlie came to a party at the 42. He had a good time, a really good time, and he proved himself to be a competitive drinker. Such proof caused him to projectile vomit all over the wall. Hence, every rookie must now carry a trash bag with them at all times when attending an ultimate party.

Now, I’m not saying that these guidelines are a surefire way to get on the A-team, but I think you’ll find your rookie season a lot more enjoyable if you keep these things in mind.