Bios, Part I

by: Keenan

Joel- Lovingly referred to as “Seabiscuit,” by those aware of his refusal to stop on the field. Joel led the team as a captain for 2 years and has gone to nationals twice in his illustrious 5 year career. Off the field he brings the same dedication and drive to allow him to maintain a fierce but loveable presence at all team events.

Dave- Sick, nasty handler cuts and sick, nasty D’s. Dave is a dirty, dirty man (not “old man” dirty but “I can’t believe he’s that good” dirty). His quirky jab moves and squirrelly attitude makes him a perfect handler while using his chemistry knowledge to complete astonishing feats as he lays out past you. Off the field he has an alarming ability to score with anyone, your mother on Mom’s Weekend three years ago included. He also enjoys playing the guitar and eating peaches.

Pat- Pat is a baller on the field, as his All-Region accolades clearly show, but his most lasting contribution to future Ultimate at Illinois is the legend that is the 42. His main hobbies off the field include inspirational speaking and lexigraphy (bonecoaster, think about it).

Denis- Our lovable transfer from Loyola sports a hobo beard and hobo charm. When he’s not handling on a non-existent ACL, he forms part 1 of 3 of the most random roommate pairing ever. He is the most outgoing (and outrageous) of the Stupca, Walden, Denis triumvirate, much to the chagrin of his roomies.

Walden- A monstrous backhand and double hats. This lefty broke his hand and had it covered in, what else, a red cast. Legend has it he wore all red to a Motorola interview and still beat out hundreds to get an internship. We all wish we were Walden. He has more honor in his pinky than the rest of the team combined.

Phenom- Stupid fast. I’m pretty sure he has six gears: fast, faster, fastest, fastestest, fastestestest, and stupid fast. His ability to cut is only matched by his ability to find incredible hairstyles. Although not always proud of it, as evidenced by his decision to wear a hat to TA his chemistry class, his hair, “Boat’s Wake,” will undoubtedly go down in Illinois Ultimate history.

Miles- Miles is a sweetie. Miles is a ladies man. Miles has the astonishing ability to loose his shirt anywhere, anytime. Miles is also the only man to miss a day of Centex due to horrible sunburn. Too much going on off the field to distract him? I think not sir. And that’s before he steals your girlfriend from behind your back (editors note: Miles will also steal your girlfriend in front of your face).

J Man- The fastest man in Ultimate. Unlike Phenom, he has only 2 gears: slower than you and faster than you. He is also the most charismatic man in Ultimate and the nicest guy in Ultimate. This combo results in a player that tools the opponent’s baller in the end zone to win sectionals, but also apologizes on the way down.

Charlie- Not much is known about one C.J. O’Brien. We once caught a glimpse of a red cape in his bag, but he simply shrugged it off when we asked him about it. He has an intimidating presence on the line and an uncanny ability to come down with any disc that floats. Hobbies include being more powerful than a locomotive, leaping over buildings in a single bound, and being confused for a bird or plane.

Pavan- He’s the guy, who just laid out, over your shoulder. His aerial acrobatics will have you convinced that he ran away from the circus. He will take any and every opportunity to put his body in harm’s way.

Hidaka- Half-Irish, Half-Japanese, all hands. With his distinctive spin and twirl on jump discs, Halvies is all about the flair. Off the field a history major, rest easily knowing that your children will one day be educated on World War 2 by an impartial individual. The team is already working on recruiting his younger brother, who we have already decided shall be known as “Quarters.”

Zubair- The Hawks. Hotlanta. This man loves Atlanta and Taco Bell. His other favorite past time is throwing hucks that amaze. At Fallout his Junior year he lost his lucky hat and offered a significant reward for its return. It was reclaimed, but woo to whoever took it when Zubes finds out.

Austin- Our only member from Minnesota, and one of the most talented players to come to Illinois since the likes of Pat, Joel and Pappy. He’s bloodthirsty on the field and once made an old man cry. This mountain dew crazed, vision of terror on the field will be around for another 3 years, and Alien is ready to crush.

Mickey- Odds are you know Mickey. He’s the one who tells bad jokes and won’t stop telling bad jokes. The women’s lacrosse team know him as “Bad Joke Guy.” But few on the team have devoted as much time to improve as he has, and this dedication shows as evidenced on the field.

Lefty- He has another name, and I’m pretty sure only his mother calls him Tom Miller. The rest of us use his real name. He bids too much, as evidenced by the broken knees, and puts his face in the wrong place, as evidenced by his broken face. He dominates Ultimate on 3 continents, but still lovingly calls Illinois home.

Brad- Easily the best dressed on the team. I theorize it’s all a distraction to keep whoever is guarding him from expecting his throws. Oh, the throws you ask? Those throws are picture perfect hucks that will hit his man in stride 60 yards down the field.

Rip- Murder. Bury. Desecrate. Rip lives to ruin lives on the field, and crush their souls off the field with his scathing blog. Lost to friendly fire and a broken leg at Regionals, Rip will undoubtedly use his inability to play at Nationals as motivation to annihilate anyone who gets in his way. He is also the best singer, dancer, and actor on the team (the triple threat).

Lamp- Another intimidating presence on the field, Don Lambka aims to go to medical school after Illinois. His sweet hands will undoubtedly find their new function initially uncomfortable, but we all expect him to adapt like a champion. Future patients should be advised, however, that his yells of “Primal!” are completely normal and nothing to be worried about.

Kurley- Our lovable townie, he is working hard to dispel the anti-townie attitude brought about by one Nick McDuffee. Kurley rocks two kinds of cuts, deep and so deep that its silly. His house was also the site where the best cake ever was baked.

Bettsy- Sports writer extraordinaire and die hard cubs fan, Kyle Betts is the Ultimate player we would all want to be, after Walden. This of course, due to his ability to grow a soul patch. His arms are absurdly long and the correct response to any of his numerous hand blocks is “Go, Go, Gadget arm.” (editors note: After conferring with the judges, “Marms” is also a correct response).

Jake- He lives with Pat and Joel. But is an engineer. How does he do it? If you could answer that, untold riches are yours. The handler that will most likely to take you deep, Jake is super bouncy and super positive. Luckily for us, his parents also get to experience his springiness by their frequent visits to watch us play.

Cole- No one knows for sure what Cole is studying or exactly how old he really is. His time is spent playing Ultimate, working at Legends, drinking at Legends or being sectional coordinator of the year. His multitasking (editors note: replace “multitasking” with “procrastinating”) is spectacular and the odds are he just shattered your cup with a superior knowledge of Ultimate, and ill-advised hammers.

Somerfield- The final of our ginger trio, Somerfield is a Phenon-Charlie hybrid. The best of bot worlds, unfortunately these superhuman abilities were too much for his human frame. He spent all spring rehabbing his injuries and will use what time he missed to push that much harder next spring.

Bonges- Old, but not yet Stupca old, Matt Bonges is the all-time Illinois nice guy, off the field. On the field he plays like a man possessed and leaves it all out there (we call him heart for a reason). He has earned his own scoring chant, and hearing his students call him Mr. Bonges will unavoidably cause us to break out in a fit of giggles.