Bios, Part 2

by: Keenan

Cozza- The Mike Cozza plays for one thing, and one thing only. The love and affection of the women’s team, he always plays better when members of the opposite sex watch him on the field. Thriving on this attention at parties, he is the one man you can always count on to make a night fun.

J Ko- The beloved B-Team coach sacrificed his body last year to land himself in coach-hood. This reflects in his huddle talks that inevitably descend into shouting at the huddle. Once he settles down he’s pure gold, our own Jekyl and Hyde.

McLain- The heart of the team, McLain brings his unique ability to pump up the team to the field every tournament. Finding Nemo and Aladdin speech topics manage to inspire confidence and enthusiasm, and if that doesn’t work watching him play with a pinched nerve in his throwing shoulder definitely will. (editor’s note: Mr. McLain is the “author” of the other blog.)

Jon O- The member with easily the most impressive facial hair, Jon O strikes fear into lesser souls with his manliness. He has nasty throws and poaches that are perfectly scoped in for lay outs. Look for a Merlin beard next year to yield a +2 to his defense.

Keenan- (editor’s note: the author elected not to write about himself. He asked me to write it. Full disclosure: I once carried his girlfriend home from a bar, not because she was his girlfriend, but because she’s gorgeous.) Keenan doesn’t run very fast and doesn’t jump very high, because he only has one knee. Luckly, he plays handler. His signature move involves making it look like he’s running full speed while actually moving at the pace of a light jog.

K Hundo- The first recipient of a Pavan cleat gooning. Kevin is an integral part of the tree cup and plays angry. At 6’3” and a solid 100 pounds he brings a killer instinct and incredulous victims will not believe their pain as this preying mantis attacks.

Sidrys- Part 2 of 2 of the tree cup, Joe is super long. He is approximately 2 J Ko’s in wingspan and utilizes this height and length to stupefy whoever he is playing defense against. Have I mentioned yet that he can palm a disc? That’s just silly.

Hatcher- Johnny Wego, sweet cuts. He plays like a man possessed and utilizes his football skills to snatch any disc near his person (One this side of you or through you to the other). He is a man of strong emotions, from the time spent talking to his girlfriend to when he lays out through you to grab that D.

Shane- Shane may be the most adorable Ultimate player you will ever meet. He could date your sister and you couldn’t be happier for her. Unfortunately for the ladies, he dedicates himself to his girlfriend. He sacrificed day 2 of sectionals to go to Prom.
(editor’s note: a true ultimate player would have brought the Prom to sectionals). We’re working on his priorities, but there’s hope yet.

Peyton- Actually Ryan Tomchek, he is the benefactor of Joel forgetting names and assigning nicknames. This is due to his sweet throws and pale, gawky build. Luckily for him, he’s a Bears fan.

Sul- Scary. Sul is someone you would be wise to be intimidated by at first site. However, he’s like a giant teddy bear, cute and cuddly on the inside. He’s wicked fast, always comes down with the disc, and doesn’t consider his practice clothes clean until they’ve got a smattering of blood on them. Look for him to do some damage in the next 3 years.

Dave- Due to the confusion of having 2 Daves in the program, a certain Brian McLain took it upon himself to find a suitable substitute for Dave J. Inspiration would strike at Mardi Gras when he decided that puddle jumping was a good idea. Thus “Splash” was born. A layout legend will undoubtedly follow.

Nascar- Jeff Gordon is on our team. No, not the devastatingly attractive millionaire Jeff Gordon, but the awkward, nerdy Jeff Gordon. Nascar is from a far off land. He makes devastating circle cuts and has never been to one of our parties. There is only room for improvement here.

Mark- Mark spent the majority of his youth in suburban Chicago, but that changed one fateful day when the family moved to Kansas. He would spend the next 3 years dreaming of Illinois and returning home. A promising handler, he holds a Rip-like hatred for the University of Kansas and plays with that passion. (editor’s note: I don’t hate Kansas. I have no idea where Keenan got such an idea.) Add to that the ability for speechmaking and he is a force to be reckoned with.

Anthony- This young writer, the next generation’s Bettsy, had to quit the team to follow the women’s track team his freshmen year to write for the Daily Illini. His future skills will only be supplemented by his ability to get track girls to come to our parties.

McKinley- Since the number of nicknames is directly related to playing ability, Kyle McKinley is a god. The recipient of no less than 3, to my knowledge, never gets called his given name while around the team. He’ll be the guy with the throws and D’s. Back to the name game, his girlfriend is Kyla, shenanigans indeed.

Max- The only man to drop his pants on Bourbon Street, Max Docauer will undoubtedly become an Illinois Ultimate legend. He’s got the squirrelly handler thing down too. Even after playing with him for a year, there are times when we’re left scratching our heads; leading the defense to have no idea what’s going on, just how he likes it.

Tom- He’s our mystery man. He comes to practice and tournaments and has been known to throw on the quad from time to time, but beyond that appears to not exist. Popular theories involve Batman and Transformers.

Michael- Old man River. Michael Simeone could be some of rookies’ father. He claims to have invented Ultimate, discovered gravity, and thought of the wheel. Popular discussion topics involve UPA 8th Edition and the timing of when a pick was called.