Brad Johnson – Brad would have been one of the most potent handlers on the field if he could have been on the field. However, he has the astonishing ability to be injured more than the author. Luckily for the team, he was able to channel his ultimate mind to be a great president that took care of all the stuff with the university. And for that, my hat is off to you sir.
Paul ‘Rip” Ripsky – What to say about Rip? He was once the greatest triple threat to ever grace the roster of the Illinois roster. Then he went and got engaged. Wham. He hasn’t lost his desire to ‘murder, bury, and desecrate’ however. Although he complained about being old, Stupca and Simeone set him straight with their heartfelt ‘closer to death’ card at Natties. Also was the author of the most potent Illinois Men’s Ultimate blog for the past decade before his retirement, read graduation.
Don ‘Lamp’ Lambka – Once thought to have the ability to pull over the mountains, he had his chance last year in Boulder. Although there were no mountains in Columbus for a first hand account to be seen, the pulls were nasty nonetheless. Also responsible for the injury that shall not be named, aka Rip’s leg; but he’s atoning by going to Med school.
Miles Corcoran – Now I know I mentioned this last year, but Miles is a ladies man. He is, what we like to call in the business, an excellent social chair. He’s a monster O-line long on the field from his bounciness and throwiness. He will be traveling to Honduras for the Peace Corps. for the next two years, read training a wise jaguar to ride. His return to the states will be hailed by coaching the new Honduras Ultimate team to glory and usurping soccer as that country’s national sport.
Denis Agniel – Denis may or may not be the tin man. However, Denis did have nasty throws, tricky cuts, and the ability to get the team going when was needed. He’s finally made it off the injury train with his brace’s help and teams throughout the region have come to fear his return. Rumor on the street has it he’s going to Harvard for a PhD in statistics. Smarty pants. Has unhealthy obsession with Walden, but then again who doesn’t on this team?
Max Komnenich – Max returned from France after a year of the high life over on the continent where the cool kids are. He’s found a sweet place as a long and singlehandedly took Minnesota for a point at Natties. May or may not have been the one to help bring brah-ticelli to the forefront of spring break.
Austin ‘Boston’ Lien – Our rookie phenom from last year, is now our sophomore phenom. Although him and Stupca have had some sticking points, he is going to be leading this team in the future. Whether or not that is due to him breaking people with his ‘I’m from Minnesota and laying out through you ability’ or tricky throws remains to be seen.
Kurt Zoellick – The first of our grad school transfers we got for this year, the man from Valparaiso has been able to do some crazy stuff with a disc. When he’s not on the field he enjoys telling jokes, researching fluids, and having team showers.
Ryan ‘Kennedy’ Smith – He hails from the land of Pittsburg, and although he believes the Penguins are God’s gift to man, he still manages to play some mean ultimate. He managed to bring the Freshman of the Year award back to Illinois for the first time in 3 years. He’s got some nasty layouts, and his little flaws are going to be gone in the next year and then he’s going to be a real problem for the rest of the region.
Brian McLain – What can I say about Mr. Mclain? When he was still recovering from his shoulder surgery he didn’t miss a tournament, couched the B team in the fall, and wore a tie dye onesie as much as possible. Epic. Add to that he’s the president of Fun Squad and you have one guy sure to entertain both on and off the field. He could tell you what he’s doing after graduation, but then he’d have to kill you, with kindness.
Chris ‘Halvsies’ Hidaka – Frequently the target of Phenom’s bombs, Chris was often the most favored target of O-line throws for scores. He retains his twirly catches, but has added the element of tooling anyone on the field, instead of just the unawares ones. Look for him to be a major threat again next year, but it probably won’t matter that you are looking for it. He’s going to find a way to score anyway.
Kyle ‘Somer-insert noun/verb here’ Somerfield – Kyle has come into his own over the past year as an o-line long. He has the physique of a tank and a mind that can internalize the finer points of combustibility as it relates to the internal combustion engine. And if that isn’t enough to win you over, he has a quick wit and is also a member of the ginger army. Sorry, ginga, ginger is their word.
Walden Nelson – I don’t know what to say about Walden. He was arguably the best defender in the region the past year and was able to shut down one Ryan Purcell on several occasions when the Illini faced Michigan. If his engineering degree doesn’t yield a job for Walden, unlikely, expect him to become a clothing designer emphasizing the layering look. Hats is only the start.
Pavan ‘Air Snake’ Sarguru – Pavan is an animal in the air and a defensive baller. A disc to his general area is probably going to be D’d by Pavan. Off the field he will argue any stat on the NBA at any time, especially if it revolves around the Jazz and Magic and which is better. Also claims to have the most powerful botecelli person of all time, truth remains to be seen.
Noah Bindman – Noah is our other grad school transfer we received this year, from the land of 10,000 lakes and Grinell. He gained fame in the fall with his absurdly large knee brace and the bionic man tag. He uses his lefthandedness and beard to dazzle his opponents. He teaches a chemistry lab at the university, so he’s pretty smart too. And to prove his smartness, he came to Illinois via Michigan, taste it Ann Arbor.
Jon ‘Jonny Wego’ Hatcher – Jon is one of the exciting players to watch for on the field in the next two years. However, he’s gained fame for his exploits off the field, or more appropriately, what his name has caused for the field. In case of an awkward moment, emergency use of some rendition of a kid’s game involving ‘Wego’ is an acceptable bail out. Without McClain around next year to create new and exciting versions of the game we need someone to step up, so start thinking now.
Michael ‘The University frowns on my nickname’ Simeone – Once a superstar of rate my professor due to his ability to ‘be easy on the eyes’ and ‘worth getting up to go to class for’ Simeone is a champ in the classroom. He loves it so much that he’s still doing it, roughly two epochs after his first day on campus. This is good news for us because it means he will be able to keep footblocking for the foreseeable future.
Brian ‘Phenom’ Phelan – Another of our brave leaders from the previous year, Brian is an unstoppable force on the field. He can grab just about everything in the air, and then throw for more scores than any long has the right to. This year he toned his hair down, from the aptly named ‘Boat’s Wake’ to the docile speed stripes, his hair choices only add to his intimidation on the field. He’ll be around another year, watch out Great Lakes region.
Zubair ‘Zubes’ Abdulla – The undisputed champion of the youtube post, Zubair is an entertaining fellow. He is willing to argue the greatness of Atlanta at any chance, frequently prefaced with a ‘HAWKS’ call. He rarely missed practice, never a tournament, and played hurt more than some people played. All that, and now is off to the University of Chicago for Physics grad. school. Look out for a HAWKS bomb 20 years down the line.
Dan ‘Wildcard’ Stueland – Oh boy, Dan will lay out for everything, close or not. And probably get it. But that’s enough about Ultimate, Dan is the single reason that Ultimate is the best thing in the world. Between him, Miles, and McClain the team has come together as never before. Dan will find an interesting of topic of conversation and run with it. For example, Helmet Cams and Bacon Beer, both of which hold potential untapped in our lifetimes.
Suleyman ‘Sul’ Ahmad – Sul is somewhat of a mystery on the team. He has speed unseen since JMan, although the secret to his success is much easier to discern. He’s part horse. We don’t have the confirming evidence just yet, but only one throw has every outraced Sul to the ground and in his defense it was Walden throwing a bomb against Cal. Downwind. Backwards. With Sul on the ground behind him. And he still almost caught it.
Charlie ‘CJ’ O’Brien – Charlie is a force to be reckoned with. He’s the super tall ginga out on the field, and can jump. He spent the spring semester at a co-op in Miami and came up for sectionals, regionals, and nationals to prove that he wants to play. Now that he’s added a solid forehand to his repertoire, there was no need to prove anything.
Zach ‘Sid’ Frantz – Before beginning, I want to reassert that I found Sid. That said, he’s way better than I am. He played handler with a long’s mentality and how to cut and get the disc from his defender. He was also responsible for the blade seen round the world. For those unfamiliar, this was the throw that much Michigan on ice in semis at regionals, after we had already won the game due to hard cap. It’s okay though because he put their entire team on his ‘glock list.’
Jason Mickey – Well, what is there to say about Mickey? Mickey tore his ACL sometime during the year, surprisingly not during his push ups, which as we know are quite loud and at times leave something to be desired. He helped coach Boomland to their best finish in Illinois history, so as long as he doesn’t need to move quickly he is really quite good. He’s managed to stick around for another year, his chance for redemption next. Hopefully he’ll be able to throw off the Mickey mantle and deal some foo
