Bios, Part 2

by: Keenan

Cozza- The Mike Cozza plays for one thing, and one thing only. The love and affection of the women’s team, he always plays better when members of the opposite sex watch him on the field. Thriving on this attention at parties, he is the one man you can always count on to make a night fun.

J Ko- The beloved B-Team coach sacrificed his body last year to land himself in coach-hood. This reflects in his huddle talks that inevitably descend into shouting at the huddle. Once he settles down he’s pure gold, our own Jekyl and Hyde.

McLain- The heart of the team, McLain brings his unique ability to pump up the team to the field every tournament. Finding Nemo and Aladdin speech topics manage to inspire confidence and enthusiasm, and if that doesn’t work watching him play with a pinched nerve in his throwing shoulder definitely will. (editor’s note: Mr. McLain is the “author” of the other blog.)

Jon O- The member with easily the most impressive facial hair, Jon O strikes fear into lesser souls with his manliness. He has nasty throws and poaches that are perfectly scoped in for lay outs. Look for a Merlin beard next year to yield a +2 to his defense.

Keenan- (editor’s note: the author elected not to write about himself. He asked me to write it. Full disclosure: I once carried his girlfriend home from a bar, not because she was his girlfriend, but because she’s gorgeous.) Keenan doesn’t run very fast and doesn’t jump very high, because he only has one knee. Luckly, he plays handler. His signature move involves making it look like he’s running full speed while actually moving at the pace of a light jog.

K Hundo- The first recipient of a Pavan cleat gooning. Kevin is an integral part of the tree cup and plays angry. At 6’3” and a solid 100 pounds he brings a killer instinct and incredulous victims will not believe their pain as this preying mantis attacks.

Sidrys- Part 2 of 2 of the tree cup, Joe is super long. He is approximately 2 J Ko’s in wingspan and utilizes this height and length to stupefy whoever he is playing defense against. Have I mentioned yet that he can palm a disc? That’s just silly.

Hatcher- Johnny Wego, sweet cuts. He plays like a man possessed and utilizes his football skills to snatch any disc near his person (One this side of you or through you to the other). He is a man of strong emotions, from the time spent talking to his girlfriend to when he lays out through you to grab that D.

Shane- Shane may be the most adorable Ultimate player you will ever meet. He could date your sister and you couldn’t be happier for her. Unfortunately for the ladies, he dedicates himself to his girlfriend. He sacrificed day 2 of sectionals to go to Prom.
(editor’s note: a true ultimate player would have brought the Prom to sectionals). We’re working on his priorities, but there’s hope yet.

Peyton- Actually Ryan Tomchek, he is the benefactor of Joel forgetting names and assigning nicknames. This is due to his sweet throws and pale, gawky build. Luckily for him, he’s a Bears fan.

Sul- Scary. Sul is someone you would be wise to be intimidated by at first site. However, he’s like a giant teddy bear, cute and cuddly on the inside. He’s wicked fast, always comes down with the disc, and doesn’t consider his practice clothes clean until they’ve got a smattering of blood on them. Look for him to do some damage in the next 3 years.

Dave- Due to the confusion of having 2 Daves in the program, a certain Brian McLain took it upon himself to find a suitable substitute for Dave J. Inspiration would strike at Mardi Gras when he decided that puddle jumping was a good idea. Thus “Splash” was born. A layout legend will undoubtedly follow.

Nascar- Jeff Gordon is on our team. No, not the devastatingly attractive millionaire Jeff Gordon, but the awkward, nerdy Jeff Gordon. Nascar is from a far off land. He makes devastating circle cuts and has never been to one of our parties. There is only room for improvement here.

Mark- Mark spent the majority of his youth in suburban Chicago, but that changed one fateful day when the family moved to Kansas. He would spend the next 3 years dreaming of Illinois and returning home. A promising handler, he holds a Rip-like hatred for the University of Kansas and plays with that passion. (editor’s note: I don’t hate Kansas. I have no idea where Keenan got such an idea.) Add to that the ability for speechmaking and he is a force to be reckoned with.

Anthony- This young writer, the next generation’s Bettsy, had to quit the team to follow the women’s track team his freshmen year to write for the Daily Illini. His future skills will only be supplemented by his ability to get track girls to come to our parties.

McKinley- Since the number of nicknames is directly related to playing ability, Kyle McKinley is a god. The recipient of no less than 3, to my knowledge, never gets called his given name while around the team. He’ll be the guy with the throws and D’s. Back to the name game, his girlfriend is Kyla, shenanigans indeed.

Max- The only man to drop his pants on Bourbon Street, Max Docauer will undoubtedly become an Illinois Ultimate legend. He’s got the squirrelly handler thing down too. Even after playing with him for a year, there are times when we’re left scratching our heads; leading the defense to have no idea what’s going on, just how he likes it.

Tom- He’s our mystery man. He comes to practice and tournaments and has been known to throw on the quad from time to time, but beyond that appears to not exist. Popular theories involve Batman and Transformers.

Michael- Old man River. Michael Simeone could be some of rookies’ father. He claims to have invented Ultimate, discovered gravity, and thought of the wheel. Popular discussion topics involve UPA 8th Edition and the timing of when a pick was called.

Bios, Part I

by: Keenan

Joel- Lovingly referred to as “Seabiscuit,” by those aware of his refusal to stop on the field. Joel led the team as a captain for 2 years and has gone to nationals twice in his illustrious 5 year career. Off the field he brings the same dedication and drive to allow him to maintain a fierce but loveable presence at all team events.

Dave- Sick, nasty handler cuts and sick, nasty D’s. Dave is a dirty, dirty man (not “old man” dirty but “I can’t believe he’s that good” dirty). His quirky jab moves and squirrelly attitude makes him a perfect handler while using his chemistry knowledge to complete astonishing feats as he lays out past you. Off the field he has an alarming ability to score with anyone, your mother on Mom’s Weekend three years ago included. He also enjoys playing the guitar and eating peaches.

Pat- Pat is a baller on the field, as his All-Region accolades clearly show, but his most lasting contribution to future Ultimate at Illinois is the legend that is the 42. His main hobbies off the field include inspirational speaking and lexigraphy (bonecoaster, think about it).

Denis- Our lovable transfer from Loyola sports a hobo beard and hobo charm. When he’s not handling on a non-existent ACL, he forms part 1 of 3 of the most random roommate pairing ever. He is the most outgoing (and outrageous) of the Stupca, Walden, Denis triumvirate, much to the chagrin of his roomies.

Walden- A monstrous backhand and double hats. This lefty broke his hand and had it covered in, what else, a red cast. Legend has it he wore all red to a Motorola interview and still beat out hundreds to get an internship. We all wish we were Walden. He has more honor in his pinky than the rest of the team combined.

Phenom- Stupid fast. I’m pretty sure he has six gears: fast, faster, fastest, fastestest, fastestestest, and stupid fast. His ability to cut is only matched by his ability to find incredible hairstyles. Although not always proud of it, as evidenced by his decision to wear a hat to TA his chemistry class, his hair, “Boat’s Wake,” will undoubtedly go down in Illinois Ultimate history.

Miles- Miles is a sweetie. Miles is a ladies man. Miles has the astonishing ability to loose his shirt anywhere, anytime. Miles is also the only man to miss a day of Centex due to horrible sunburn. Too much going on off the field to distract him? I think not sir. And that’s before he steals your girlfriend from behind your back (editors note: Miles will also steal your girlfriend in front of your face).

J Man- The fastest man in Ultimate. Unlike Phenom, he has only 2 gears: slower than you and faster than you. He is also the most charismatic man in Ultimate and the nicest guy in Ultimate. This combo results in a player that tools the opponent’s baller in the end zone to win sectionals, but also apologizes on the way down.

Charlie- Not much is known about one C.J. O’Brien. We once caught a glimpse of a red cape in his bag, but he simply shrugged it off when we asked him about it. He has an intimidating presence on the line and an uncanny ability to come down with any disc that floats. Hobbies include being more powerful than a locomotive, leaping over buildings in a single bound, and being confused for a bird or plane.

Pavan- He’s the guy, who just laid out, over your shoulder. His aerial acrobatics will have you convinced that he ran away from the circus. He will take any and every opportunity to put his body in harm’s way.

Hidaka- Half-Irish, Half-Japanese, all hands. With his distinctive spin and twirl on jump discs, Halvies is all about the flair. Off the field a history major, rest easily knowing that your children will one day be educated on World War 2 by an impartial individual. The team is already working on recruiting his younger brother, who we have already decided shall be known as “Quarters.”

Zubair- The Hawks. Hotlanta. This man loves Atlanta and Taco Bell. His other favorite past time is throwing hucks that amaze. At Fallout his Junior year he lost his lucky hat and offered a significant reward for its return. It was reclaimed, but woo to whoever took it when Zubes finds out.

Austin- Our only member from Minnesota, and one of the most talented players to come to Illinois since the likes of Pat, Joel and Pappy. He’s bloodthirsty on the field and once made an old man cry. This mountain dew crazed, vision of terror on the field will be around for another 3 years, and Alien is ready to crush.

Mickey- Odds are you know Mickey. He’s the one who tells bad jokes and won’t stop telling bad jokes. The women’s lacrosse team know him as “Bad Joke Guy.” But few on the team have devoted as much time to improve as he has, and this dedication shows as evidenced on the field.

Lefty- He has another name, and I’m pretty sure only his mother calls him Tom Miller. The rest of us use his real name. He bids too much, as evidenced by the broken knees, and puts his face in the wrong place, as evidenced by his broken face. He dominates Ultimate on 3 continents, but still lovingly calls Illinois home.

Brad- Easily the best dressed on the team. I theorize it’s all a distraction to keep whoever is guarding him from expecting his throws. Oh, the throws you ask? Those throws are picture perfect hucks that will hit his man in stride 60 yards down the field.

Rip- Murder. Bury. Desecrate. Rip lives to ruin lives on the field, and crush their souls off the field with his scathing blog. Lost to friendly fire and a broken leg at Regionals, Rip will undoubtedly use his inability to play at Nationals as motivation to annihilate anyone who gets in his way. He is also the best singer, dancer, and actor on the team (the triple threat).

Lamp- Another intimidating presence on the field, Don Lambka aims to go to medical school after Illinois. His sweet hands will undoubtedly find their new function initially uncomfortable, but we all expect him to adapt like a champion. Future patients should be advised, however, that his yells of “Primal!” are completely normal and nothing to be worried about.

Kurley- Our lovable townie, he is working hard to dispel the anti-townie attitude brought about by one Nick McDuffee. Kurley rocks two kinds of cuts, deep and so deep that its silly. His house was also the site where the best cake ever was baked.

Bettsy- Sports writer extraordinaire and die hard cubs fan, Kyle Betts is the Ultimate player we would all want to be, after Walden. This of course, due to his ability to grow a soul patch. His arms are absurdly long and the correct response to any of his numerous hand blocks is “Go, Go, Gadget arm.” (editors note: After conferring with the judges, “Marms” is also a correct response).

Jake- He lives with Pat and Joel. But is an engineer. How does he do it? If you could answer that, untold riches are yours. The handler that will most likely to take you deep, Jake is super bouncy and super positive. Luckily for us, his parents also get to experience his springiness by their frequent visits to watch us play.

Cole- No one knows for sure what Cole is studying or exactly how old he really is. His time is spent playing Ultimate, working at Legends, drinking at Legends or being sectional coordinator of the year. His multitasking (editors note: replace “multitasking” with “procrastinating”) is spectacular and the odds are he just shattered your cup with a superior knowledge of Ultimate, and ill-advised hammers.

Somerfield- The final of our ginger trio, Somerfield is a Phenon-Charlie hybrid. The best of bot worlds, unfortunately these superhuman abilities were too much for his human frame. He spent all spring rehabbing his injuries and will use what time he missed to push that much harder next spring.

Bonges- Old, but not yet Stupca old, Matt Bonges is the all-time Illinois nice guy, off the field. On the field he plays like a man possessed and leaves it all out there (we call him heart for a reason). He has earned his own scoring chant, and hearing his students call him Mr. Bonges will unavoidably cause us to break out in a fit of giggles.

The Leg

I promised an update, and I’m usually pretty good at keeping my promises.

I had surgery today to remove the screws that were put into my leg about ten weeks ago, and I’m very proud to say that I walked out of the hospital. That’s right, after ten weeks of hobbling around everywhere I went, I’m now able to walk.

I won’t be able to run until October, but I’m able to start getting back in shape by swimming and riding a stationary bike. I won’t be able to return to full competition until Trouble in Vegas, but I’ll still be at practices and fall tournaments bestowing my wisdom and expertise.

Get excited.

Preview

Here’s a look at what’s coming to the blog this summer:

Bios
Keenan did a pretty good job of writing up each an every one of you. I just need to make it better.

Life as a Club Player
I’ll be interviewing teammates that have joined other club teams. If you’re a club athlete and want to be interviewed, shoot me an email. You don’t even have to be part of the Illinois Program (though, I really do wonder how widespread my readership actually is).

Rip’s Rehab Updates
How’s my leg doin? Stay tuned to find out.

Training Tips and Techniques
I’ve played for quite some time. I think my advice is good for you.

And of course, more questions from the Summer Lovin Series
Do you have questions that you want me or the team to comment on? Send me an email: pripsky@gmail.com