Track Workouts

During the indoor season, I look forward to one thing: crossfits. I love stepping up to the challenge of an intense, balanced workout. So, when we move back outside, you might think that track workouts warm my heart. I hate track workouts. During a crossfit, I often have the strength advantage which allows me to make up the time I lose during the running portion. Track consists of all running. Thumbs down.

Certain individuals on the team would completely disagree with me, and you guys are freaks (I’m looking at you Downers Grove and Kurley). From watching these “studs of the rubber floor,” I have deduced the secret to “tearin up the track”. You do not need an extensive background in cross country (correlation doesn’t prove causation), nor do you need an insane fetish for burning lungs and sore muscles. If you want to run 27 second 200s consistently, you need two things: short shorts and a headband.

Most people believe that short shorts allow greater range of motion; therefore, they allow you to cover more distance with fewer strides. Wrong! These titans of the fashion industry infuse their wearers with a sense of fiery passion that can only find release in sprinting as fast as they can for as long as they can. For example, we all know Brian McLain as “Boring old Brian”. But when he steps into his short shorts, he becomes Brian the Bodacious, “terror on the track”. Get yourself a pair of short shorts and see your popularity rise and sprint times fall.

Headbands come from a different era. They give us a window into the past when mustaches, chest hair, and treating women as objects were benchmarks against which one’s manhood was measured. Headbands allow their wearers to time travel. Putting on a headband gives you a rush that can only come from backhanding your wife. Such prowess directly fuels faster running. How can you lose when you are more of a man than your competitor could ever hope to be?

So, if you’re one of the many that fear track workouts because you lack the fire or feel like less than a man, buy yourself a headband and start showing off those pale, hairy thighs.